Leave Room for Dessert

The second inductee into my hedonistic hair metal heaven is “Cherry Pie,” Warrant’s epic and ethereal endeavor capable of defining an artist. This masterpiece is so aurally rich, narratively complex, and thematically expansive that it would take something on the order of a master’s thesis to fully stake out its parameters. Nevertheless, I will attempt to analyze the significance of the aforementioned video that has solidified Warrant as the voice of a generation.


Right from the onset, you know this is going to be one of those videos filmed in a room with white walls, white floors, and white ceilings, giving the impression that the band is performing in purgatory. Soon we are introduced to America’s second favorite glam rock groupie, who, instead of expiating her sins, is roller skating through purgatory in an apron. A myriad of scintillating baseball metaphors for sexual relations follows as a slice of pie is dropped in Bobbie Brown’s crotch. The symbolism is profound. Brown kicks her legs in the air on a couch shaped like a pair of lips as the drumheads become—wait for it—wait for it—cherry pies.

The band dons firefighters’ apparel and sprays down Ms. Brown with a fire hose. She continues to dance and frolic, eat cherries and lick her fingers. Ahead of their time, Warrant utilizes thrilling visuals and Matrix-like special effects to enhance the concept of the video and deep lyrical content:

Put a smile on your face ten miles wide…

“Cherry Pie” makes for a delicious and elegant dining experience, but may I recommend a fine wine to enhance the taste? Jani Lane’s diatribe on Heavy: The Story of Metal is one of my favorite things in the world. It makes me laugh. It makes me weep. It makes me want to donate half my paycheck to the suicide prevention charity. The first time I saw it, I immediately began writing a script surrounding the last days of Jani Lane, a role Philip Seymour Hoffman was born to play (good call, right?). Then he signed up for Celebrity Fit Club and lost 23 pounds. The movie is going to be so much more badass…


For some, "Cherry Pie" is a place where the penitent are purified from venial sins. For others, it is a more permanent state of punishment and torment. For me, it's not "Heaven," but it's angelic in comparison to their cover of "We Will Rock You."