The Long Kiss Goodnight

I can’t pay homage to hair metal grandeur without mentioning the makeup-wearing progenitors of rock and roll capitalism, Kiss. After their larger-than-life stage shows and poseable action figures solidified the band as a legitimate force in the '70s, their attempt to cash in on the disco trend, “I Was Made For Loving You,” proved to be as infertile as a woman with a chromosomal translocation. Around this time, I’m pretty sure the only person who still thought Kiss was cool was Sebastian Bach of Skid Row and my cousins in Cranford, New Jersey. Regardless, after making the ingenious decision to remove their war paint, Kiss rocked on into the decadent 1980s with half of their original lineup intact, repulsive spandex outfits, and enough Aqua Net to cause a decrease in stratospheric ozone over Earth’s polar regions. The result: the objet d'art that is “Lick It Up.”


The video takes place in some post-apocalyptic junkyard (think “California Love” on a college student’s budget) where scantily-clad women are leaving their underground dwellings and crawling out of manholes. Two skulls rest on the ground, one of which may very well be a primate specimen. Paul Stanley’s leopard print boots and tight dungarees amplify the intimidation factor of the skeletal remains. The ladies circle around a fire while one rugged woman appears to be squirting deli mustard in her mouth. Their attention is diverted from the flames by the four band members, all of whom are lip syncing the chorus. The image of Gene Simmons, Inc. in that black vest and low-cut hot pink shirt that barely covers his nips has been burned onto the back of my eyelids. He is a vile, repugnant creature and Vinnie Vincent looks startlingly like a woman. Seriously, if he was skulking around on sewer grates with the rest of the skanks, I would be none the wiser.

Dude, would you hit that?

Now it’s time for some food and drink. The women entertain their male guests with gasoline canisters of liquid that I presume to be a crudely-made alcoholic beverage with motor oil serving as one of the primary ingredients. The rest of the video involves the band performing live outside the Thunderdome or wherever the fuck they are supposed to be. Unfortunately, this involves close-ups of Gene Simmons, Inc. (sans God of Thunder makeup) and Vinnie Vincent trying to look masculine with a hot pink Flying V.

Honestly, I could write a thesis long enough to earn myself a full-fledged PhD in Vinnie Vincent. And perhaps I will commence in a future blog. Just recently, however, the U.S. Supreme Court declined to reconsider a lower court's dismissal of a suit filed by Vincent in which he claimed he is owed $6 million in royalties for his work on “Lick It Up.” If the Dylan-esque lyrics alone (“Lick it up, lick it up, oh oh oh, lick it up”) don’t warrant significant compensation, perhaps Gene Simmons, Inc. should cut him a check for briefly donning makeup that was shockingly somewhat lamer than Eric Carr’s fox-themed character. Ladies and gentleman, your fourth inductee: “Lick It Up.”