Now playing: Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer.”
A mixed crowd is gathered around the mahogany bar casually philandering under subdued lighting, many sipping wine from goblets or strange amaretto liqueurs like Disaronno on the rocks. The décor features wood accents and paneled walls, and a Yamaha piano accents the interior in the corner of the room.
I am shaking my groove thang in the center of the black and white mosaic floor with an urban cougar in a leopard-print skirt whose legs are so pale and riddled with spider veins that, from a distance, they appear to be glass structures that were dropped on the tile and sloppily glued back together with rubber cement. One can tell I haven’t wasted any time getting back to the bottle – and not just by the physical flaws of the monstrosity that is currently groping my backside. When I get drunk, I dance like Axl Rose. I gyrate like an electric eel being poked with a stick and sway from side to side to the rhythm as best as I can.
I take a step back during a brief moment of clarity. This broad bears a striking resemblance to Margot Kidder when the authorities found her huddled in a stranger’s bushes missing her front dental bridge with her hair hacked off to avoid CIA detection.
“So where ya from, handsome?” the cougar asks.
“The Big Fucking Apple,” I say. “Right at its fucking core!”
“Oh, wow, the Big Apple. Ya here on business?”
“Yeah, big business.”
I take a gulp from my glass and it stings like all get-out. My mouth, so riddled with ulcers, feels like I’ve gargled with a mouthful of thumbtacks and an AIDS patient’s urine.
“So…you wanna go back to my place?”
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1 comment:
hate Bon Jovi, they suck sweaty nuts! Ok, I'll admit that I think "Runaway" is a good song but they look so F$%King lame in the video. Too bad they didn't pay attention to Dokken's "In to the Fire". Now Dokken had a cool look in the early days! I'm recommending "In to the Fire" for the Hair Metal Hall of Fame, but maybe its toooooo good! See the thing is, hair metal started back cool but somewhere around 86-87 to morphed into guys trying to look like chicks (but not in an ill way, like the beloved New York Dolls), they just liked lame-ass dorks that were trying to score with trampy hair metal sluts. Think of Motley Crue in the early days, they had a mad ill look and were the shiznit of LA in the ealry 80's. When I see videos from Dr. Feelgood I see them following the trend as well. Ok, they weren't Britty Fox (a philly band, most like Cinderella)but even Motley Crue started to get lame as well; they were saved by the fact that they actually cranked out respectable tunes and were a step above the hair metal clones. Amazingly enough, Motley Crue were one of the weakest band musically. I always find it amazing that the most limited band musically are always the best within their respective genre; think of: The Clash, Talking Heads, Pink Floyd, Velvet Underground, Jesus and Mary Chain, and Pulp. Ok, I'm getting WAAAAY beyond the subject of hair metal (blue moons can do that to a G). So what should be in the hair metal hall-of-fame and what is the criteria? Well, are we talking actual good songs or the songs the remind us why we needed Kurt Cobain to blow hair metal away forever. To be honest, although its by far is one of the worst (if not the worst) hair metal songs ever, Firehouse's "Don't Treat Me Bad" gives me a trill. The reason why is simple, they released that song like a day before Nirvana demo 'd hair metal. One day firehouse was cool and climbing the charts and the next to was gone forever (ok, Metal Mania resurrected it). That's the true beauty of hair metal, is that it sucked and was only popular because everyone allowed to be. The US market was never cool (or hip) enough to catch on the ill shit going on in the UK, so they either attached themselves to lame pop songs (Rick Astley, anyone?) or hair metal. Ok, so am I a fan of hair metal or not. Well, the answer is, yes. And, that's because looking bad it was so bad and all about everything except (not Accept!)the music and that's what makes it so much fun to watch and listen to.
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